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Citizen Kane's Big Opening

Mr. Cain’s Campaign:  “Just as the country finally begins to refocus on our crippling $15 trillion national debt and the unacceptably high unemployment rate, now activist celebrity lawyer Gloria Allred is bringing forth more false accusations against the character of Republican front-runner Herman Cain.”

Translation:  What a whiny little girl you are, having the temerity to speak out about something as inconsequential as a little slap and tickle when this country is facing real problems. The fact that you have that pushy female lawyer who has made a name for herself just proves our point.

It’s the women of this country that drove us down in the first place (and not in a good way) and now That Woman – may I call you That Woman?  –  is doing her best to put me – I mean us – out of work and deeper in debt.  Classic.  Who does she think she is, my wife?

This isn’t a solid charge. It’s just character assassination, pure and simple. Punctilious nit-picking by a couple of nebulous, nattering naboobs.*  A clear-cut case of pusillanimous pussyfooting,* if ever I did see one.  (And I have seen quite a few.  I’m a man of vision, America.)

If these allegations show anything, it’s that Herman Cain is the man for the job.  He will stand erect when he takes his place in the long line of men who have advanced on – strike that – who have advanced the cause of American women.

That this is the fourth woman to make such a claim proves just how false all of these claims are.  In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if there were more claims forthcoming.  The campaign welcomes them as further evidence of Mr. Cain’s rectitude and fitness.  For the position.  Of President.  Or for any other position, for that matter.  Whatever Kamas your Sutra, baby.

But baby, what audacity!  Challenging the politically prominent pre-eminence of the Republican front-runner!  (Did we mention that I’m Herman Cain and that I’m the Republican front-runner?)

Mr. Cain’s Campaign:  “All allegations of harassment against Mr. Cain are completely false.  Mr. Cain has never harassed anyone.  Fortunately the American people will not allow Mr. Cain’s bold “9-9-9 Plan,” clear foreign policy vision and plans for energy independence to be overshadowed by these bogus attacks.”

Translation:  Grabbing a woman’s lady parts and forcing her head into your crotch – if it happened, which it didn’t – is just harassment.  It’s not assault, as you whelping Harpies would have it.  This is what we call a teaching touching moment America, and the campaign is happy to oblige with a little language lesson.

Harassment.  From the Greek, meaning “her ass is meant for me.”  The Greeks developed the term to distinguish that democratic activity from another related, and equally maligned republican free exercise, Going the Second Mile, which is what college defensive coaches get to do with young boys while their superiors turn their heads.  Damn whiny kids.  You’re just a bunch of girls.

Mr. Cain has never harassed anyone.  And he most certainly has never Gone the Second Mile.  When you have power, it’s impossible to harass anyone.  Sure, people may get a little ticked at you.  That’s when you learn how vulnerable power can make you.  It’s quite unfair.

Candidate Cain is constantly molested on both flanks by people who want jobs and think that he can provide them.  Who do they think he is, President?  It’s a tough row to hoe.  He has to have standards.  Without selection criteria, how on earth can he ensure equal opportunity?

What really matters is his plan to save America.  He refutes all allegations that his bold strategy for doing this was originally called the 69-69-69 Plan.  Clearly, this is an unpatriotic attack on his political messiah-hood.  Anyone who believes That Woman is not a real American.  You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

We implore the real Americans out there to support Mr. Cain by visiting his campaign website at www.whodoyouthinkyouare.net**and purchasing his newest bumper sticker.  It features the candidate who has labored hardest to raise the rosebud of American womanhood, our own Citizen Cain, along with his campaign’s rallying cry: “Women and Children First.”

And if some card-carrying, wily-eyed woman or some minimum wage-earning, crack-addled, early adolescent stole your job and you can’t afford the bumper sticker, you can still make a difference.  Anytime you see “Women and Children First,” just toot your own horn.  You will need the practice.  Because if Citizen Cain is elected, that’s exactly what you’ll be doing.

*Due credit to Mr. Safire; though to be fair, he kept it clean with ‘nabobs.’

**Always above-board, Ms. Darling notes: Unlike the charges made against Mr. Cain, this website address is a jest.

©7 Nov. 2011  Isabella Darling.  All rights reserved.